3rd party compliance

“You know who else has got a 3^rd party compliances issue?” he said, swinging along with his glass.

We didn’t bother to ask. He was known to talk rubbish under the influence of… well… pretty much everything.

He pointed towards me. And so the story began –

“This one time, we were travelling to Surat, in Paschim. We – I & this guy Adi here (pointing me) – had just reserved our seats by throwing a Handkerchief through the window (a standard practice in all modes of transportation barring airplanes!). We were excited n animatedly talking about things boys talk. The compartment was filled with all kinds of animals – man, women, children, beggars with harmonium, chai wallahs… The setting was perfect.  Or Almost! Because no sooner than the TC left, out came a 3^rd Party Alliance, CLAPPING their hands…

“Now, let me take this moment to enrich your knowledge of 3^rd Party Alliance: ‘Hijras’, as they r popularly known, come in different varieties – distinctly male, indistinctly male, bulging biceps kind, hairy kind… And in colourful saris. They know where to find u. And try your best, you cannot avoid them (much like Himesh Reshmia of couple o’ years before), Because of they have a tendency of getting physical.

“But indulge them, and they will shower on u all the blessings there r in this world. If u request (or happen to be pregnant), they can get extremely creative with their wordplay. And, oh, it’s always in your best interest to indulge them! Unfortunately, very few people have heard of this wisdom.

“Now, I know u won’t believe me, but as soon as our dreaded guests arrived, I knew that I am seeing a familiar face! One of them was a ‘Regular’ on the Paschim & so was I. He (or ‘She’?) recognised me & smiled. I nodded & handed him a 5 Rs coin. He waited for Adi. I, instinctively, elbowed him who had suddenly started looking out of the window. Adi looked at me, then looked at the ‘Hijra’ & again went back to ‘Looking Out of the Window’ thing. Now, here, I could have paid the Hijra on his behalf, but somehow, I didn’t. Off course, I did not want to miss out on the Fun that I hoped would follow. I wasn’t disappointed.

“The Hijra came near Adi affectionately. He caressed Adi’s chin & called him, “Mere Raja…”. Adi startled. He had never been blessed with the presence of a touchy – feely Hijra. “What the FUCK???” he asked the Hijra.  Hijra politely asked for money. Adi refused n threatened him with Police. Hijra laughed n threatened him back with ‘Mumbai Darshan!’ (u know, when they lift their…. ahh… saris up and present u a nasty view…). An entertaining argument followed. But then, much to all our viewers’ dismay, the Hijra let go of the whole situation and moved to the next coach. Adi breathed a sigh of relief!

“Hours passed. As our destination came near, we decided to un-stiffen (if that’s the word…) our bums and breath some fresh air. We came out & stood at the doors. On the opposite door, same Hijras were sitting. Adi tried to ignore them. They started passing comments. Whenever Adi glanced, they gave him the meanest look possible! Exasperated, he excused himself for a toilet break. After spending as much time one can spend inside a Train-toilet (unless u r a pervert), he finally came out – To find the smiling Hijra standing right at the door of the toilet. To my utter amazement (and concealed delight), the Hijra pushed Adi back in, followed behind &…… & he locked the door from inside!!! Seconds passed like minutes. After 2 full minutes, the door opened, out came the Hijra, grinning from ear to ear. There was a 10 Rs note in his hand. I held my nerve. After a moment or two, my poor friend appeared, looking as if, he had seen a ghost! (He had indeed!!!  –  “Bushy,” he told months later when I started teasing.) He came near me & smiled, sheepishly – a smile that said “Don’t ask!”